5 THINGS GUYS CAN DO THAT ARE MAJOR TURN-OFFS

1. MAMA'S BOY

You love your mom... So do I! I even tell her every chance I get.

I don't, however, make someone question if my love for my mother trumps my interest in them. I don't tell 'guess what my mother did today' stories at parties, I don't invite her as a third wheel on dates, and I certainly don't let the decisions in my love life be dictated by her... And neither should you.

Loving one's mother is a given and needs not be harped on until it's all we can hear. Women are tricky really, because we don't want to be around a guy who couldn't care less about his parents either; we want that healthy balance, even though we probably have the most mommy and daddy issues you've ever seen.

Unfortunately for you, girls with parental issues are sexy because they're vulnerable while guys with parental issues are kinda lame. All this in the age of Dr. Phil, you ask? Yes.

2. EX-TALK

It doesn't matter if she's the coolest girl to ever grace our planet and is now a lesbian, or if you found out she was a psychotic serial killer who's been given the chair, we don't want to hear about her.

Any girl who tells you she doesn't mind is just letting it fester and slowly grow into an inner monster you never want to see emerge. If she's 'just your friend' we think you want to have sex with her, if she's 'your co-worker and it's not your fault you have to see her' we think you want to have sex with her, and if she 'passed away and you miss her terribly because nothing actually ever went wrong' well guess what? We know you want to have sex with her.

So, if you expect to have sex anytime soon, keep your ex where she belongs: in a vault somewhere at the bottom of the ocean where she's slowly decaying - which is unfortunate because she was way uglier than your current lover to begin with.

3. BAD NAKED

Nudity is fun. When you're indulging in copious amounts of sex or (dare I say it) falling in love, there's nothing better than an endless marathon of sweaty hours spent doing almost everything in the nude.

Please note, however, the apt use of the word 'almost'. You may remember this lesson from the episode of Seinfeld entitled "The apology" where Jerry learns the hard way how un-sexy misplaced nudity can be. Well gentlemen, it works both ways.

Please refrain from partaking in activities involving squatting, cooking, eating, spilling or crumbing, angry or parent-oriented phone calls, climbing, heavy lifting, stubbing one's toe and its consequent hopping and howling, or instrument playing while in the nude.

Clothes are not just to keep us warm, they're there to aid in hygiene maintenance as well as to add a little mystery and upon revelation, we don't want to be let down. Strange fetishes aside, keep a robe handy for intermission or you won't be invited back for an encore.

4. THE MANGINA

It may seem unbelievable to some, but men have been known to bring their college humor into the bedroom in very strange ways.

Similar to 'Bad Naked', the Mangina is a snazzy little trick whereupon the man in question, having been exposed to one too many bad movies or men's locker rooms, decides to tuck his genitalia between his thighs and pretend he is a hermaphrodite. Just in case we weren't grossed out enough by this already, he may decide he wants to turn around and bend over so we can get a view from the other side as well for the throwback pose to Ace Ventura's 'Finkle is Einhorn' moment.

Even if it's been a few months and you feel like a comfort level has been reached, just take a moment to imagine your girl with a penis and really think about what you're doing. And don't do it. You may extend the Mangina lesson to any and all other strange body contortions.

5. AN OVERWHELMING INTEREST IN COMPUTERS, VIDEO GAME TALK, MAGIC THE GATHERING AND ZOMBIES

If you paint tiny figurines through a magnifying glass, have a cloak, saber sword, speak klingon or own an enchantment card worth more than fifty dollars, we are already wishing we did something else with our day.

We like that you have interests, we even like that you're kind of nerdy, but we don't want to hear about how we'll have to switch over from tampons to the Diva Cup once the zombies attack for a more hygienic post-apocalyptic population.

It may be true that the allies you summoned during your last session of Dungeons & Dragons thought you were super cool, but our interest didn't even have time to wane before it died.

If you've taken offense to your particular nerdy interest being clumped in with the others, then you've proven our point. A game is by definition 'an activity engaged in for diversion or amusement' and should be regarded as such; lightly.

Let's stick to the ones that have an ultimate goal worth playing for, such as strip poker or spin the bottle with a non-elementary-school-twist.

Of course, every rule has its exceptions that you are trusted in descrying on your own, using the sensibilities of your own judgment. If you have found your trekkie soulmate, kindred tranny, dirty and similarly open-minded lover and ex, favorite new nude pose to overthrow Michelangelo's David's, or hot foster sister equally enthralled by your common mother, then kudos and all the best of luck to you.

Until then, please tread carefully, genitalia freely dangling beneath your robe.